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The doctors said it would take a miracle for us to have kids naturally.
“In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.” Psalm 25:1
The odds are stacked against us, they said. Our only options are to pop rounds of pills to spike fertility or we could try a few rounds of IVF. That’s it. And of course, medical disclaimer here: no guarantees that any of these options will work.
Infertility is a lonely road.
My husband and I prayed and felt convicted that when the time comes, we would draw the line at natural attempts. No pills. No procedures. No test tubes. No science. Just pure old fashioned whoopee and we’d let God do the rest. (NOTE: If you chose to pursue fertility procedures, no judgment here. Everyone needs to make their own decision.)
Imagine how defeated I felt when we found out that it’ll take a miracle to have a child even if we chose to pursue said medical interventions.
I felt broken.
And quite inferior to the rest of the human race.
I went against my better judgment and took several rounds of pills. They didn’t work but caused a bunch of extra health issues and stress. It was not one of my better decisions in life, but I was desperate to have a child.
I believe in miracles.
I’m sure you know of many miracle baby stories. But without getting into details, these options just weren’t going to work for us. And there comes a time in life, I feel like 10 years was enough, to just face reality.
After months of being mad with God, really, really, really mad, and mourning the loss of life that I finally came to accept will never be, I decided that all I can really do is continue to place my trust and hope in the Lord.
When your soul is stripped bare and left hanging for all the world to see, all you have left is to trust in Him.
Eventually, we went the adoption route. But sadly that was a painful and difficult process that also ended in grief, heartache and loss.
I don’t know what’s worse, enduring the torture of peeing on a stick every month and having that hope die within you every four weeks, or enduring a failed adoption of three beautiful little people that you were able to hug and hold and pray over and kiss for months on end.
I am at peace with my story.
I know that our God works all things together for the good of those who trust in Him. (Romans 8:28) So trust I will.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
It’s still so hard to wrap my mind around the fact God has decided flesh and blood children are not for us. Apparently neither are adopted children.
Infertility. It’s such a nasty, shame-filled 11-letter word. So many of us cry behind closed doors and carry unnecessary shame in an already difficult season of life.
Here are some of the NICER things that have been said directly to me over the years:
- “Let me pray Satan out of your womb.”
- “Take these vitamins, they’ll get ya preggers. Worked for my sister!”
- “Have you thought about losing some weight?”
- “What sin are you holding onto that God keeps punishing you by closing your womb?”
- “You’re probably not fit to be a mom so God is sparing your children.”
I even overheard a woman tell a group of ladies at church one Sunday morning that the reason we don’t have kids is that we hate children. We hate children? I was dying for a child! It broke my heart.
But that one time a lady offered to pray Satan out of my womb definitely takes the cake.
I had spoken at a large women’s conference that was further away from home and was surrounded by strangers. A lady came rushing up to me after one of my speaking sessions and said God told her to pray the enemy out of my womb.
Before I could say a thing, she grabbed me and placed her hand over my stomach and began praying LOUDLY.
- She LOUDLY pondered what sins I was committing against God that chose Him to close up my womb.
- She prayed LOUDLY for me to stop sinning against the Lord so He would open up my womb.
- She LOUDLY rebuked the demons possessing my body to leave immediately in Jesus’ name.
- She spoke LOUDLY to the Lord and asked for Satan to leave my womb.
- She LOUDLY asked God to forgive me for the shame I had brought to my family through my infertility.
I was speechless. I still am!
I didn’t want to cause a scene while all this was happening. I was also backed up against a pretty big stage at the time with nowhere to go. Everyone was caught up in their conversations as they waited in line to chat with me so they were oblivious to what was happening.
I felt stuck. And horrified.
So I gently laid my hands on her and began to pray that the Lord would guide her to a healthy church with a solid understanding of Scripture and proper theology.
I also prayed that the Lord would flood me with abundant grace and forgive this woman for the shame-filled, hurtful words she was saying in Jesus’ mighty name.
But if I’m being honest, what I really wanted to do at the time is punch this woman right in the face.
We all say and do stupid things when we don’t know what to say or do. The reality is we should say nothing at all in these situations.
If you find yourself in a situation down the road where you feel helpless, take a moment to reflect on what you can say that will bring life to the people around you. If you can’t come up with anything, just be quiet.
We all face trials in this world and it can leave your soul quite weary.
If God does not define me by my barrenness. I don’t want you or me to define me by it either.
Don’t let your hardships define you.
Whatever your trial is today, give it over to Jesus. Whatever weighs you down, let Him pick you back up. Surround yourself with friends who care and can lift you up in prayer. Seek a life-giving church community to rally around you in your time of need.
And most importantly, learn to trust in Him.
We all have struggles. We all need a Savior. And at the end of the day, I think it’s really just a matter of whether or not we can hold tight to this truth:
God will use every struggle, every mess, every sadness, for His glory and His purposes.God will use every struggle, every mess, every sadness, for His glory and His purposes. Click To Tweet
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
Hold tight to that Truth today.
God will use every mess in your life for something beautiful. Even if you may not see it this side of heaven.