when trusting god is all you have left
authenticity,  faith,  infertility

When Trusting God Is All That’s Left

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The doctors said it would take a miracle for us to have kids naturally.

“In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.” Psalm 25:1

The odds are stacked against us, they said. Our only options are to pop rounds of pills to spike fertility or we could try a few rounds of IVF. That’s it. And of course, medical disclaimer here: no guarantees that any of these options will work.

Infertility is a lonely road.

My husband and I prayed and felt convicted that when the time comes, we would draw the line at natural attempts. No pills. No procedures. No test tubes. No science. Just pure old fashioned whoopee and we’d let God do the rest. (NOTE: If you chose to pursue fertility procedures, no judgment here. Everyone needs to make their own decision.)

Imagine how defeated I felt when we found out that it’ll take a miracle to have a child even if we chose to pursue said medical interventions.

I felt broken.

Really defeated.
Extremely sad.
And quite inferior to the rest of the human race.
Sigh.

I went against my better judgment and took several rounds of pills. They didn’t work but caused a bunch of extra health issues and stress. It was not one of my better decisions in life, but I was desperate to have a child.

I believe in miracles.

I’m sure you know of many miracle baby stories. But without getting into details, these options just weren’t going to work for us. And there comes a time in life, I feel like 10 years was enough, to just face reality.

After months of being mad with God, really, really, really mad, and mourning the loss of life that I finally came to accept will never be, I decided that all I can really do is continue to place my trust and hope in the Lord. 

When your soul is stripped bare and left hanging for all the world to see, all you have left is to trust in Him.

Eventually, we went the adoption route. But sadly that was a painful and difficult process that also ended in grief, heartache and loss.

I don’t know what’s worse, enduring the torture of peeing on a stick every month and having that hope die within you every four weeks, or enduring a failed adoption of three beautiful little people that you were able to hug and hold and pray over and kiss for months on end.

I am at peace with my story.

I know that our God works all things together for the good of those who trust in Him. (Romans 8:28) So trust I will. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

It’s still so hard to wrap my mind around the fact God has decided flesh and blood children are not for us. Apparently neither are adopted children.

Infertility. It’s such a nasty, shame-filled 11-letter word. So many of us cry behind closed doors and carry unnecessary shame in an already difficult season of life.

Here are some of the NICER things that have been said directly to me over the years:

  1. “Let me pray Satan out of your womb.”
  2. “Take these vitamins, they’ll get ya preggers. Worked for my sister!”
  3. “Have you thought about losing some weight?”
  4. “What sin are you holding onto that God keeps punishing you by closing your womb?”
  5. “You’re probably not fit to be a mom so God is sparing your children.”

I even overheard a woman tell a group of ladies at church one Sunday morning that the reason we don’t have kids is that we hate children. We hate children? I was dying for a child! It broke my heart.

But that one time a lady offered to pray Satan out of my womb definitely takes the cake.

I had spoken at a large women’s conference that was further away from home and was surrounded by strangers. A lady came rushing up to me after one of my speaking sessions and said God told her to pray the enemy out of my womb.

Before I could say a thing, she grabbed me and placed her hand over my stomach and began praying LOUDLY.

  • She LOUDLY pondered what sins I was committing against God that chose Him to close up my womb.
  • She prayed LOUDLY for me to stop sinning against the Lord so He would open up my womb.
  • She LOUDLY rebuked the demons possessing my body to leave immediately in Jesus’ name.
  • She spoke LOUDLY to the Lord and asked for Satan to leave my womb.
  • She LOUDLY asked God to forgive me for the shame I had brought to my family through my infertility.  

I was speechless. I still am!

I didn’t want to cause a scene while all this was happening. I was also backed up against a pretty big stage at the time with nowhere to go. Everyone was caught up in their conversations as they waited in line to chat with me so they were oblivious to what was happening.

I felt stuck. And horrified.

So I gently laid my hands on her and began to pray that the Lord would guide her to a healthy church with a solid understanding of Scripture and proper theology. 

I also prayed that the Lord would flood me with abundant grace and forgive this woman for the shame-filled, hurtful words she was saying in Jesus’ mighty name.

But if I’m being honest, what I really wanted to do at the time is punch this woman right in the face.

We all say and do stupid things when we don’t know what to say or do. The reality is we should say nothing at all in these situations.

If you find yourself in a situation down the road where you feel helpless, take a moment to reflect on what you can say that will bring life to the people around you. If you can’t come up with anything, just be quiet.

We all face trials in this world and it can leave your soul quite weary.

If God does not define me by my barrenness. I don’t want you or me to define me by it either.

Don’t let your hardships define you.

Whatever your trial is today, give it over to Jesus. Whatever weighs you down, let Him pick you back up. Surround yourself with friends who care and can lift you up in prayer. Seek a life-giving church community to rally around you in your time of need.

And most importantly, learn to trust in Him.

We all have struggles. We all need a Savior. And at the end of the day, I think it’s really just a matter of whether or not we can hold tight to this truth:

God will use every struggle, every mess, every sadness, for His glory and His purposes.

God will use every struggle, every mess, every sadness, for His glory and His purposes. Click To Tweet

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

Hold tight to that Truth today.

God will use every mess in your life for something beautiful. Even if you may not see it this side of heaven.

His glory.
His purposes.
His timing.

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Cupcakes, coffee + Jesus. Radio personality, writer + soul encourager living to glorify Him.

19 Comments

  • Linda Stoll

    Dear Nicki, I’m so sorry you have had to experience such ‘unfortunate’ events with others in the midst of your own pain. It never fails to amaze me at the foolish, insensitive things people say and do. What are they thinking?

    All we can do is give them back to God … and step away as quickly as we can. And trust He will send us true encouragers with warm and sensitive hearts …

    • Aryn the Libraryan 📚

      Oh. My. Word.

      It doesn’t matter if it’s your father, husband, mother-in-law or a stranger. People say hurtful things. Trusting God is the only thing you can do. And while we are forgiving them. Forgiving ourselves for that dumb thing we said that continues to echo in our hearts is important too!

      • nickischroeder

        They sure do! The reality is I have put my foot in my mouth too over the years. All we can do is offer lots of grace to each other, pray and apologize when needed. Thankful we are all able to learn from our mistakes!

    • nickischroeder

      So many people have endured these types of comments and the reality is, the giver of the comment likely did not have malice in their hearts, they just didn’t think before they spoke. It has taught me to think before I speak, and when in doubt, keep my mouth shut and just pray. 🙂

  • Stacey Pardoe

    Thank you for this, Nicki. Sometimes it feels like the messes will never be redeemed, but God really does use it all. This is just what I needed to read today!

  • April

    The fact that you prayed for her even though you were hurt and mad about her words, is HUGE!! When we don’t understand why God is allowing such devastating pain and when He gives us strength and comforts us in the midst of it, is a miracle to me! One we get to be a part of anytime His supernatural strength comes into our scene. When my husband was wrongfully charged with a felony, to which we fought hard against….but God allowed the entire mess to be dumped in our lap and we were left with nothing but trusting that He had a plan for the pain. Especially while he was actually serving the 6mths in jail, I cried myself to sleep so many nights. We grew closer than ever to the Lord, so that’s one thing we would never take back. He grew our trust. Now, we face another trial of illness and our faith is stronger to face it. He used that awful time to prepare us for this time.

  • Michele Morin

    Nicki, I am speechless at the insensitivity (ETC.!) of the woman who tried to exorcise your uterus. And I am overcome with admiration that you handled it by praying for her as well. May your prayers be answered!

    • nickischroeder

      Ha! Yeah it was an experience I would like to not relive again, that’s for sure, but I am thankful God allowed me to warm my heart to someone even in the midst of pain. He is a truly generous Father!

  • Valerie Riese

    I am absolutely choked up reading your story. While circumstances are a little different, I’ve also grieved the children I can’t have and endured the insensitivity of others. However I did not have the grace to pray for them, even in the moment they were being cruel. You are truly an inspiration.

  • Lisa notes

    Ugh! So sorry you have had to endure the pain of infertility, and then the pain of people not understanding your pain. 🙁 You’re right that people think they should say SOMETHING, but often NOTHING is much preferable if you don’t have encouraging words to say. May we all keep learning that lesson. Thanks for being so vulnerable here.

    • nickischroeder

      Thanks for your kind words. I think so many people have the right heart when they respond to other people’s grief, but we often put our foot in our mouths lol I have been so guilty of this myself!

  • Maree Dee

    Nicki,

    I am so sorry for your losses and the pain. No, I haven’t walked down the same path, but I do know the pain and the insensitive things people say. I loved your post. Silence is golden when we don’t know what to say. I have to admit, t I was nervous about leaving a comment. I love that you prayed for the person. Thank you for sharing.

  • Ann | Fruitful Creativities

    Hi Nicki,

    This story is so recognisable as we went through infertility as well several years ago. It was through seeking help that we met Jesus and became Christians later on. At that time, I prayed a lot and I did feel called by God to pursue treatment (something many Christians judged me for). It was a bumpy road for sure, but we did receive a beautiful miracle. After years of disappointment, tears, grief, and so much more. An emotional rollercoaster for sure! We always wanted a second child, but this time no treatment. I don’t feel God calling me to do so (and now people are telling me to do just that!). We tried naturally for several years again, but recently decided it’s been enough. We are happy with were we are right now.

    That said, I’m very sorry to hear you haven’t received your blessing yet. It absolutely breaks my heart when I hear another woman’s story as I know about the heartache of negative tests, people’s great advice, and so on. I pray for you that God may still be willing to bless you with a miracle. We never really know what His plans are. All we can do, is trust that He will lead us, support us, comfort us, and strengthen us to get through it all.

    Thank you for sharing and opening your heart! May God bless you!

    • nickischroeder

      Thank you for sharing a bit of your story! I’m glad you are listening to Jesus and what He is calling you to do in your situation. That’s all any of us can do. And we can never go wrong that way. Blessings to you!

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