After months of tears, boxes of Kleenex and lots and lots of prayer, God has laid it on my heart to write about a very difficult topic for me. Infertility. It’s awkward to lay one of your deepest insecurities out for the world to read. But there is more healing bringing sadness to the light, then there is stuffing it deep down within your soul.
The doctors said it will take a miracle for us to have kids naturally.
In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. Psalm 25:1 (NIV)
The odds are stacked against us, they said. Our only options are to pop rounds of pills to spike fertility, most of which are designed for breast cancer patients or diabetics (say what?). Or we could try a few rounds of IVF. That’s it. And of course, medical disclaimer here: no guarantees that any of these options will work.
You know, before we started trying to have kids, my husband and I prayed about this type of stuff, we did lots of research and talked to doctors. We felt extremely convicted that (no matter what) if this time of sadness comes, we would draw the line at natural attempts. No pills. No procedures. No test tubes. No science. Just pure old fashioned whoopee and we’d let nature take its course. *awkward silence, she said whoopee*
So imagine how defeated we felt when we found out that it’ll take a miracle to have a child if we chose to pursue said medical interventions. And with medical and statistical certainty, we were told that it ain’t happening naturally. No way, no how.
And quite inferior to the rest of the human race.
Yes, miracles exist. I’m sure you know of many miracle baby stories. But they just don’t happen every day. Cuz if they did, they’d be called ‘everdayicles.’ *look, barren girl made a funny* And well, that just doesn’t sound as exciting, does it? Plus, I really don’t think that’s a word.
Anyway, after months of being mad with God. Like really, really, really mad. And shedding lots of tears mourning the loss of a life that we have finally come to accept will never be. *pause for sorrow* We decided that all we can really do is what we’re doing already… continuing to place our trust and our hope in the Lord.
When your soul is stripped bare and left hanging for all the world to see, all you have left is to trust in Him.
Even though we will never get preggers, *such a cold, hard, stinky reality* God works all things together for the good of those who trust in Him. (Romans 8:28) So trust we will. Trust trust trust trust trust. The more I say it, the more believable it becomes, right?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
It’s still so hard to wrap my mind around the fact God has decided flesh and blood children are not for us. *queue tears, bring on the Kleenex!*
Infertility. It’s such a nasty, shame-filled 11-letter word. But it shouldn’t be. It’s not our fault. It’s just our reality. And miscarriage. Please don’t get me started. It’s like having water dangled in front of you when you’ve been stranded in the desert for years, only to have it yanked away at the very last second. Such heartache friends, such heartache.
We all face trials in this world and it can leave your soul quite weary.
My heart is so very heavy these days, it feels stripped bare and broken. But every day, it’s healing. And I strongly feel that God has told me to write about this struggle. Even when it’s horribly uncomfortable. And shameful. And I can feel your pity screaming at me over the internet, real or imagined.
I just want to be obedient. And to trust in Him.
My barrenness does not define who I am, though it seems to have monopolized most of my identity the past six months.My site will not become about infertility. God does not define me by my barrenness. I don’t want you to either.
Reality can really suck. But we live here in the real world. And the reality is, infertility or not, we all have struggles. We all need a Savior. And at the end of the day, I think it’s really just a matter of whether or not we can hold tight to the truth that God will use every struggle, every mess, every sadness, for His glory and His purposes.
Hold tight to that Truth today.
Hold tight to the truth that God will use every mess in your life for something beautiful. For HIS glory. Even if we may not see it this side of heaven.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
What has your heart breaking today? Bring your sadness and struggles out into the light today. You don’t have to go through this life alone.