faith,  infertility

Struggling With Sovereignty

If you have been reading along these past few months, you know we have been dealing with the pain and despair that comes from infertility and a failed adoption.

Thankfully, God is so faithful. I have been pouring myself into His word these days. Like obsessively, if you can actually become obsessive reading His word. And it’s been such a cool thing!

When you let the fruits of the spirit root into your soul, amazing things begin to happen.

When the insanity of life comes flying right at your face, you have the patience and the skill to navigate the daily bombs and grenades like a mighty ninja in a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon movie.

The world can easily spin out of control for us. Most days, in fact.

When we root ourselves in God’s word. Trust in His promises. Commit His word to our hearts. Even when things are spiraling out of control, we can trust there is a greater purpose.

I’ve been grappling with God’s sovereignty a lot over the past couple years.

Like, not grappling theologically, I am solid there. But grappling practically.

It’s easy to say you trust in a Lord who is sovereign when your world is stable most days.

But when your whole world, your hopes and your dreams and the desire of your heart to build a beautiful family, come crashing to an end, it sucks.

When your theology hits you smack dab in the face, it is time to really learn how to trust in Him. To lean into His word and remember that nothing happens outside of His allowance or control.

God doesn’t want us to have flesh and blood kids? How can that be? Does He hate me? Hate my hubby? Think we are unworthy? Or incapable of keeping kids alive when we struggle some days just taking care of our crazy, high maintenance cat? Do we not have enough patience? Or enough love stored up in our hearts?

When your theology smacks you right dab in the face and you don’t get what you want, especially when it’s a good thing and it seems to line up with God’s will, that’s a tough place to be, isn’t it?

But when God’s word and the fruits of the spirit are rooted in your heart, you have yourself a little temper tantrum and throw a big pity party, you cry yourself silly until the well of tears run dry. You even break down hysterically in front of people regularly. Embarrassingly regularly. And then you get yourself back up.

You throw yourself back into God’s word. Walk back into your church sanctuary after being incognito for many months. And you worship. And trust. And still cry your eyes out.  And if necessary, you have a big hysterical hissy fit in the middle of worship service that has everyone and their uncle in a mile radius of your sobs feeling horribly uncomfortable and wondering if they should reserve a straight jacket.

Then you take a deep breath. And you pray. And you remember that God is sovereign. And while you might not have the answers this side of heaven, it is all under His control. And it’s gotta be all good, even when it seems all bad.

Is there a time in your life that you’ve wrestled with His sovereignty?

Throw yourself into His word and commit His promises to your heart. Cling tightly to those promises, sweet sister in Christ. And grab yourself a huge box of Kleenex.

Let Jesus comfort you through all the pain that is ripping into the very depths of your heart and soul. Hearts heal. Jesus loves. We must trust.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3: 5-6

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